


Under My Skin

by NamelesslyNightlock



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asgardian Tony Stark, Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluffy Ending, Heartbreak, Insecure Loki (Marvel), Internalised Racism, Jotunn Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Love Confessions, M/M, Regret, Self-Esteem Issues, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 20:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18198821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock
Summary: No one could ever truly love a monster– and Loki knew it wasn't fair to have expected it of Anthony.





	Under My Skin

**Author's Note:**

> A few months ago, **STARSdidathing** put an angsty sentence prompt in the discord about Asgardian Tony flinching when he learns that Loki is a Frost Giant– and I just ran away with it a bit. Here is the result!

 

 _You’re a Frost Giant_.

They were the words that Loki had dreaded, had _hated_ , had heard far too many times already, the words that had been seared on the inside of his mind by a burning hot knife and a too warm hand clutching his blue wrist.

_What am I?_

_Tell me!_

It was pain and fear and the horrible realisation that everything was a lie, every piece of him.

And now he was the King of Asgard – he held Gungnir in his hands, placed there by his mother in the presence of several loyal Einherjar – and yet when Loki retreated to his quarters to find his lover pacing and twisting his hands in agitation, it wasn’t a comment on his new status that rang through the air like the chime of the final bell.

“You’re a _Frost Giant_.”

Now that he had the throne, there weren’t many who would say it to his face– but he heard the whispers, and he saw the looks, and he knew what was being said.

Frost Giant.

Jötunn _._

_Monster._

He could weather that though, he could hold his head high and look down on them, doing his duty by his kingdom and his family _– ha_ , if he could even call them that – ignoring the taunts and focusing on what needed to be done when the whole realm was reeling from a series of truly calamitous events.

But when the words came from the one that mattered most… well, that was when they cut too deeply to bear.

“Anthony…” Loki said, stepping forward and raising his hand to caress his lover’s face, hoping to soothe and comfort and _promise—_

But Anthony _flinched away_.

The movement shattered straight through Loki’s body with every piece of pain he had ever been capable of feeling. It was a searing, freezing, burning _hurt_ that tore everything away and then slammed it back together, all jagged edges and broken glass, falling out of place and in the wrong order so every breath crunched and screamed with agony. Loki stumbled back a step, his hand still half outstretched like he was reaching for a desperate hope, his other pressing hard against the ache of an actual, physical blow to his chest.

“Loki—” Anthony choked—

But whatever he had intended to say was lost, because Loki was already gone.

❅

Loki had been in love with Anthony since before he had even known what love was. They had grown up together, running the halls of the palace, causing mischief and chaos and headaches for whomever had to deal with the fallout. They were inseparable, the best of friends, and to become lovers as they grew older had both felt like the most natural progression and the most exciting and perfect thing either of them could have hoped for. Anthony was the only one who had ever appreciated Loki for _who he was_ , who had watched him wield seiðr with awe, who had laughed along with him rather than _at_ him, and who had stood by Loki’s side through the good and the bad.

But no one, not even Anthony, could ever truly love a monster– and it hadn’t been fair for Loki to have expected him to do so.

He’d allowed his hopes to rise, used his love for Anthony and his trust in their bond to give him the confidence to stand up to everyone else, not realising how that would pin everything on Anthony alone. At any other time, of course, that would have been fine– in the past, Anthony was all Loki had ever needed. But Loki should have known Anthony was too good for him, that their relationship was too perfect. He should have remembered that one, awful law of the Nine—

That there’s always, _always_ a catch.

Now Loki had lost Anthony forever– and it was almost worse that there wasn’t even anyone to blame that on, not even himself. Not really, because, if he were fault it would mean that there was something he could _fix_.

He couldn’t fix this. Nothing could.

Unable to cope with the pain of hearing Anthony say that he no longer wished to spend time together, unable to hear the word _monster_ fall from Anthony’s lips, Loki had fled to the only place he could think to go. The only place he knew he would feel safe, since Anthony had chosen Loki’s quarters for their confrontation. Frigga’s garden was beautiful, the flowers and the sound of the chattering birds bright and cheerful, but it was not quite enough to chase away the pain that arced across every one of Loki’s nerves and sat deep, deep in his chest, an agonising burn that intensified with every breath. It had not lessened in the moments since he had fled, and he held his head in his hands as his body was wracked with sobs, shaking hard against the edge of the base of the fountain he was propped against.

He tried to focus on the positive, that at least he’d had a few, precious centuries with Anthony before the truth had ripped them apart, before Loki’s own history had betrayed him and torn his life asunder. He tried to hold on to that, to the beautiful memories of happiness and returned love, but the thought of all that he would never have again only broke his heart further.

The pain and the loss was all that he could feel, but no matter how hard it was he tried to see the positive, to tell himself that this was _best_ – that it meant Anthony could find someone more worthy of his love. That at least they had found out _now_ , rather than after they had inevitably married, when the pain would only have been so much worse.

Not that Loki could easily imagine anything worse than this.

It was no surprise then, really, that he did not notice Anthony’s approach until the hurried footsteps were only a few yards away, and by the time Loki looked up, his… his– _Anthony_ was already standing before him, staring down in horror.

“Oh, Loki…” he said, his voice low and hoarse, and Loki shook his head.

“No,” he said. “Anthony, please, I know, okay? I know, you don’t have to say it—”

“ _Loki_ ,” Anthony said again, crouching down in the grass and reaching out– and this time, it was Loki’s turn to flinch away. He wanted to leave, he wanted to _run_ , the same fear and hurt that had chased him from his rooms bubbling up in his throat and making him feel like he was going to be ill. But…

Loki let his gaze run over Anthony’s face, over worried brown eyes and the sharply trimmed goatee, the hair that was messy and ruffled as if Anthony had raced to get to the garden as quickly as he could. Who knew when he would next see Anthony, when he would next have the chance to speak with the man he still so desperately loved?

He certainly didn’t.

So, he stayed, and he tried to hold back the pain long enough to appreciate the fact that Anthony was _there._ He couldn’t afford to throw away this last, final chance– so he held on to the moment, even though he knew that it was going to _hurt_.

Because… of course it would. Loki knew this would hurt more than anything, but for even just a single second longer at Anthony’s side, maybe it would be worth it.

And even when Anthony let his hand fall to the ground with a grimace and the beginnings of a hard stare, Loki held firm. 

“I’m so sorry, Loki,” Anthony whispered. “I’m _so—_ ”

“There is no need to apologise,” Loki said, clenching his hands to try and hide the way they trembled. “I know what I am.”

“No, I don’t think you do,” Anthony replied. “Loki, you’re—”

“A monster,” Loki said, cutting in before Anthony could say the words himself. It was so like him, to try to help in such a way– to try to comfort Loki about his true parentage, even when it had likely caused Anthony pain as well. “That is the truth, there is nothing more to say– and I know that you’re only being kind, but there is no need. I do not want your pity.”

“Oh, Loki, no,” Anthony whispered, “No, this isn’t…” He swallowed hard, and Loki had to avert his gaze, his already reddened eyes beginning to sting with salt at the sight of Anthony’s sweetness, still there even though they would no longer stay together.

“Anthony, I can’t,” Loki whispered. “I can’t take this. Just…”

“Please, Loki,” Anthony whispered in that soft tone that had always had Loki’s every argument melting away in a moment. “ _Please_.” He leaned in again, slow and careful, and Loki thought bitterly that it was similar to how one might approach a cornered animal. He supposed that was fitting, at least, and he followed the movement of Anthony’s hand with narrowed eyes, that urge to run growing stronger by the minute.

Anthony couldn’t touch him, he _couldn’t_ , because the touch of a Jötunn would burn an Aesir to the bone. That was why Anthony had flinched away in the first place, after all.

…wasn’t it?

But then Anthony’s fingers brushed along the bare skin at the side of Loki’s neck, and he knew that the battle was already lost.

“It’s okay,” Anthony whispered. “It’s all right. You’re still Loki, and… please. Please don’t pull away from me.”

The aching _love_ in Anthony’s tone drew Loki’s pain from his throat in a long, low _whine_ , and he leaned into Anthony’s touch like he was starved for it. Anthony made a soothing sound and pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Loki’s waist and burying his face in Loki’s hair.

And there was half a moment where Loki was still frozen, still sure that it was wrong—

But Anthony was holding Loki close as if he still loved him, and it was one more last chance that Loki just couldn’t bring himself to break. So he melted into it, curling against Anthony’s chest and pressing his face to the curve of Anthony’s neck, breathing him in and trembling hard enough that Anthony held him tighter still.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Anthony crooned, rocking them gently, sounding almost like he had begun to cry himself. “I shouldn’t have, I– I don’t even know why I—”

“I don’t blame you,” Loki whispered again, the words pressed into Anthony’s skin. “I would run from me too. I _did_ run.”

“From _me_ ,” Anthony corrected. “I hurt you, and I’m so sorry. I promise, I didn’t mean to do it, and if I could go back– Loki, I would hold you close and tell you that you’re the most important person in my life, and that I can’t let you go. Not over this, not over anything.”

Loki didn’t believe it, not at first– but Anthony simply held him, chasing away the worst of the fear with the simple press of his lips to Loki’s forehead, and the tender stroke of fingers along Loki’s back.

And it was only as Loki’s breathing began to slow, as the trembling began to subside, and as Loki pressed a soft and gentle kiss of his own to Anthony’s collarbone that Anthony spoke again.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised, his voice firm despite the quiet tone. “I don’t care where you were born. I love _you_ , Loki, and that’s not going to change.”

And Loki… believed him.

He tilted his head to touch their lips together, allowing the kiss to say more than words ever could.

_Thank you._

_I love you._

_I’m sorry._

And they both knew that it wasn’t a perfect fix, not by a long shot. It would be years before Loki stopped worrying that Anthony would leave, and as much as Loki _wished_ he could trust in their love, that first flinch and the pain he had felt would stay as a source of regret for them both. The fear would linger like a parasite in the back of his mind, but their love for each other would get them through the fights and the bickering, and they would always come back to hold each other tight, just as they had from the first. Until one day, centuries down the track, Loki would offer for Anthony to see the skin that he was born with, quietly and hesitantly– and when Anthony took the care to kiss every single marking across the expanse of dark sapphire, Loki would finally be able to trust in their love completely and entirely once again.

It would be a long, hard road to reach the end of the line. But for now, Loki believed that Anthony _did_ still love him– and for now, that was enough to hold his broken pieces together.


End file.
